This lovely little alter loved to dance and sing and pretend that the world was hers even though deep inside she was just fooling herself. She uses her childlike ways to cope with each day that comes her way! She loves to be light on her feet and ready to dance and jump around at a moment's notice. She is very quick on her little feet! The quickness is to her own asset of staying away from the terror!
Both of these alters were just the funny side of Tammy when she was having so much fun in life. Later a poem was written about them. They were actually kept far away from the other alters because they had too cheery a side to them. However, there is a dark side to their humor because there is so much pain they are trying to hide behind.
She was such a roly poly little girl who loved her mama's dumpling and chicken! She would always be first to the table when she knew there was going to be chicken and dumplings. She stuffs herself with dumplings to get the taste of the sticky stuff out of her throat. She tries to stay happy and she wants to eat so much of these glorious dumplings!
Julianna was created during the Satanist ritualistic abuse period. She bore the memories and the physical scars for all she was put through. Her body is twisted and painful to look at and she cannot walk very upright! She is forced to drink blood during her being tied down. She is there when she has to be tied down by these men in dark. Her terror is extreme and she endures so very much.
She is only a baby who was abused by her mother. She loved to wear soft flannel gowns and was such a dear! It was what the mother did to her that makes her want to hide. She is much too little and precious to be hurt but this was her destiny long years ago.
My name is Temptress because of what the father and Uncle told me when they were abusing me.I was told this and I must have believed it because I was then created. The guilt has stayed with me for quite a few years. How could I have believed this but I did. They say it was simply because I was so little and could not defend myself. This has been so hard to accept because in my mind I was responsible for these horrible things and I just kept doing them.
This is Tamara and this guilt stayed with me for years because it became ingrained in my mind and also my heart. The torture I went through was not bad enough but I as the one that felt responsible for what happened. I was convinced it was true. This burden was much too hard for me to carry so I split off and created another that would carry it for me.
My name was created because when there was ritualistic systematic abuse I came to take the others to fields of flowers so they did not have to deal with this horrific time in Tamara's life. I took over when Tabitha and Juliana who took the torture mostly and Tabitha went into a trance while this was going one. The father was the instigator of this and he was a sick individual. The mind does not want to compute that this was Tamara's actual father. How do you wrap your head around something so fantastically horrible and keep going? This is why there were so many of us roaming around taking control when we could to keep things going as best as they could. As I am writing this I can actually smell the wafting aroma of the jasmines swaying in the summer breeze. Everything is surreal.
This alter was a part of myself because of the oldest sister sexually abusing me. I am Stupid; she would always call me this so many times a part of myself truly believed that I was stupid. The older sister did not want to have to watch me and take care of me but the mother went off to drink in the bars and she had to do it. I was only five years of age and took this to heart. I carried it through my life. When I did something wrong I will tell myself I was stupid. Today I do not do that I just know that I made a mistake which everyone does.
I am a very nasty little girl this is what the uncle tells me over and over. He says that I am nasty because I cause him to do bad things to me. I do not care for myself, I am unkempt and why should I care who I am because he tells me I am such a naughty little girl to cause this to happen to me.I am here just to be tortured and I have no value other then that! No one cares, I am all alone and frightened most of the time. I try to go to school but I cannot settle down and think of work! The fear is always with me. I grind my teeth down because of the sheer anxiety I hold inside.
This is Tamara , when my uncle came to stay with us for several months he would come into my room and sexually abuse me. Then he would call me "such a nasty little girl for causing him to do what he would do!"
No one really likes me and I do know why because I make up all these lies just to feel like I am someone when in reality I loathe myself and I should. I cannot deal with the truth because it is so horrible that the pain of knowing is too great for me to deal with! Sometimes I do not think that I am human. I do not deserve any attention or affection because I lie. I am ten years old. I do not like being this way! How can I go on?
Everything just becomes a vicious cycle someday I will find the answer and I will not have to lie anymore! I long for that time.
This is Tamara and when I was little I began lying because I could not face the truth. I felt so low with my sense of value how could I feel any esteem. I am very happy that I stopped doing that years ago. I have learned to see the truth and to grieve my pain and with it I have gained my self-respect!
Learn about my younger alters