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Today is one of those rainy days and it makes me feel like God has his arms around me and giving me the solitude of the day. I will use this day to meditate and be thankful for my life and my dear friends. I have been blessed in so many ways just to be alive it so wondrous.
Don't you feel that certain days come around and you know it will bring something different your way. You just never know what it is. It's like having a surprise given to you. I look around and see everything blooming and trees are green with new foliage. It makes my heart rejoice for God showers us always with much love even when some may not fully appreciate it. He is always true to his word. Love Never Fails! God has shown mankind so much love in everything he provides for us. The question is will we in turn show him how much we appreciate him by listening to his voice closely not from afar. What one might be wondering about the altering of a human being's mind is how that works. I suppose I could explain it this way. Say you have made the decision to do something and then out of no where a voice is telling to go this way which is extremely different.The core person can become so confused by this happening that they lose their balance and may even run into a literal wall. However this is just exactly what it felt like to me when one of my alters came on the scene and took control.
I literally became unbalanced in my legs and this was when one of my alters took control. Can you imagine how disconcerting this could be to a human being who is trying to accomplish something in their life. The process of dissociation was at play so often I did not think I could make any decisions and stick to it. I experienced this behavior for several years. Every plan I made I could not finish it because others would not let me(of the alters). Everyday seemed like a challenge to me just to remain cognitive of what was happening to me. I would lose days because one of the alters would take over and I was not aware of it. I have been up since two this morning and my energy seems unending. I am doing things that I have not felt like doing in a longtime. I am not feeling shattered or broken just energetic to the extreme. I am Tamara in all respects. I like being at this stage because I get so much accomplished in such a short time.
Do you ever get this burst of energy that just will not stop? Then you know how I feel. I love it because I do not have to dissociate in order to cope and this is a great benefit to me and my self esteem. Charlotte is not around to cause me grief and I am in full control of my life. It was so disconcerting to be so fractured in my thinking ability. I am using the left part of my brain and this is helping me to accomplish so much in such a short time. Life is Wonderful! Are any of you like me that have nights when your mind just does not turn off no matter what? This is one of my nights. I should be sound asleep but here I am. I am hoping that my writing will get my mind to settle down. They say it is from my depression but I do not believe that. How am I even sure anyone is up reading this. It is almost one o'clock in the morning and it is going to be a long night. Hope somebody is out there who understands my sleepless night. Tomorrow is going to be long and rough simply because I know it would not be a good idea for me to try to sleep during the day because I would never sleep tomorrow night.
I wonder if anyone of you who visit my blog feel periods of sheer anxiety? If you do then you will understand why my nights are so disturbing when I cannot sleep. My mind says it is necessary to sleep but my brain is wired to night. So many thoughts roaming round in my head. I am beginning to think it will never stop. Writing seems to help me some so here I am after not even one bour ago. I told you I was wired! Hope you out there will be patient with me.
Many have this idea that they could never become resilient because they get stuck in their own suffering. Have you ever felt this way if so I would love to hear from you because I have always thought I could never be resilient because of my negative history. Tell me how you feel!
How do you feel when you have come up against change in any form in your life! Does it panic you,or do you feel exhilarated? Does it make a difference what type of change it means? Say you plan something special and out of the blue you are not able to do what you had planned to do. How do you learn to deal with such things that come up in your life? I am interested to know how you feel about this topic! Have a wonderful day!
I meet small children quite often and in my own experience I feel so strongly that they have been abused. Where can I step in ? I feel so helpless because I cannot prove my instinct and my feelings. It is so very easy to see if others are so abused. The reason it is easy for me is simply because I was there. I am so sure as I know my own reality that millions today of young vulnerable people are being manipulated and bought with gifts to succumb to the abuser and this is where they lost their own reality. The thing is it is getting worse in our day's history. It can be hidden for so many years because many victims also love their abusers because they are their family members and also friends. This makes them have such serious repression of the results of what was happening but also the person's life is changed forever!
I am sure you have all heard this saying "God don't make junk"! I never thought about that statement until today because it is true we were created as perfect human beings. Although we all are imperfect because of the first couple put on the earth to take care of it, we are so very imperfect because we are so many thousands of years from the very beginning of man's time. However does this give us a free for all in the way we speak to each other. I am so amazed to find that so many in this world cannot talk without using caustic words or obscene words.
I question things like this and my conclusion is these people must not like themselves very much because they never think of the way that it affects their own character. I know how it happens because my own family growing up used very bad language and I grew up hating it but for sometime I did the same until I came to realize I was doing myself a terrible disservice and was not reflecting the fact that I was created in God's image. So, I sat back and asked myself if Almighty God from his heavenly abode ever talk like this to anyone. The answer of course was "No never could that be". Therefore I started my training in getting to know how I could better reflect God's personality. I found in God's word the Bible that 'We are to put on the new personality of God by transforming our minds over to the perfect will of God.' This too is a process but so worth the work on oneself. I cannot tell you all how much I love the month of May simply because God's Creations are coming alive after they have been resting for the winter months. I hope you all understand and appreciate such simple things in life as the different seasons. I think of all the wonderful things and changes in our creation that makes my heart leap for joy over and over and so I question why do the seasons go on and on but we grow old and die. If you look at things logically it does not make too much sense.
So my question is why do the seasons keep going round and round if we the ones that were created to live on this beautiful earth die no matter what. Doesn't it make you wonder why mankind who is created in God's image only lived such a short time. |
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November 2019
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