This excerpt is fro chapter 19 which is about Doris and Dorothy learn from these words:
This chapter is about Doris and Dorothy and their mutual characteristics and personalities. They have flaws, which are quite numerous. Doris is the oldest persona of the two. Dorothy came to be through the actions of Doris. Therefore, I guess you could say that Doris gave birth to Dorothy. This is only in a symbolic way of course.
Wait just one minute; I am the one who should be writing this part not you Tamara. My name is Dorothy, and I am more dominant then Doris is and that is why I should be the one to speak here. I believe my dominance has helped me to take care of Doris and her emotional needs.
Both Doris and I came to be, and Doris having given me life. I do not mean fleshly birth, but one that is symbolic. You see, there is so much involved in our relationship. You need to know that Doris is the counterpart of Tamara's fleshly mother and Dorothy the counterpart for Tamara's fleshly sister Susan.
In our desperation to be loved and accepted by the fleshly family we felt that if we started drinking like the mother and sister then they(the fleshly mother and sister) would like Tamara more so this was when Doris and Dorothy were created.
First,this is Dorothy and I am much younger than Doris is, and though I came from her, I ended up being the one who took care of Doris as if she was my child, but she was not. The stress was too much so we used alcohol to feel numb. I first started out on the scene at Tamara's sisters wedding. We drank lots of champagne and got drunk and blacked out. This caused much trouble for Tamara and it seems as though that is all we have done for Tamara is cause her pain.
We only were able to come to the fore sporadically in the beginning and for good reason. All we ever do is cause trouble. The next time we came to the fore was when Tamara turned twenty-one years old and she went bowling with her sisters and mother. We helped her get drunk, we told ourselves it helped Tamara to bowl better which is real strange rationalization. We stayed behind the scene for a long time after that.
From that point, we came out more after Tammy married Charles. Of course, he was not very nice to Tammy and she felt that she could not live without a man in her life so she took the abuse and we were there to help her out when she needed it. Therefore, we came to be very useful to Tammy even though we did cause so much trouble for Tamara. The first several years of the marriage we were not around much.
You see Tamara never liked the drinking and she still was not strong enough to
assert herself. That is why Tammy was there all the time. I am ashamed to say that the drinking did affect Tammy's three sons. The drinking emotionally hurt them however, things are much better now.
You see, we all were hurt in many ways, and we were not wanted. After sixteen years of being married to Charles Tamara finally got enough courage to come to the fore and get help with the drinking by putting herself into a thirty-day facility for her drinking. Of course she was not to know about us for a very long time.
Tamara came to the fore more now that there was no use of alcohol for the next four and a half years. This was when Tamara started having some flashbacks of incest which she did not want to believe. This gave Doris and me the opportunity to come to the fore again. Tamara did not want this behavior in her life so she started going to AA, which was good in some respects, but in others were not.
You have to realize that by Tamara going to these meetings Charles thought she was just going there to meet men. He was very jealous and possessive. In later years she realized this was because he had been spending time with other women so this is where the jealousy and mistrust came from.
One major thing that you need to know about us is that Doris is the internalized counterpart of the fleshly mother. Dorothy is the internalized counterpart of the fleshly mother's first daughter.
We did not know how to deal with things, we could not run away, so therefore, we just started doing what Tamara's mother and sister did when the stress was bad. In addition, we feel so bad that we lost our tempers with Tamara's three boys. Of course, most of the time they thought it was humorous. Both Doris and I feel bad about many things but we did not know what else to do.
One time when Tamara's middle son was trying to be a smart-Alec because he had grown taller then Tamara, who was only four foot and ten inches tall, he was trying to intimidate Tamara. I came out (this is Dorothy speaking) and I backed him into a corner and proceeded to tell him I had no fear of him and he could stop acting like that.
That was when he just bust out laughing because he knew what he was trying to do did not work. One thing about me is that I am a more aggressive persona then Doris; she is more the type to hold back and not assert herself, which is when I take up the slack so to speak.
Tammy could not deal with the fact that the man who kept telling her that he loved her actually hated women and this was truly hurting her especially because she could not see this. Because of being shattered into many personalities this is why she could not possibly understand his hate of women. The amazing thing to realize here is that in real life there were so many issues in the marriage between Tammy and Charles that things were not always very clear to see.
From the outside looking in things were hard to decipher. Because even though at that time Tamara was not aware of the different persona's, it was impossible to get the proper help from anyone. The only time that Doris was afraid was when Charles threatened to kill Tammy because she was just having fears about his guns. He never took her feelings into consideration and he was always using foul language at her all the time.
This is Dorothy, unlike Susan I did not start drinking until I was twenty-one years old. The drinking did not become any problem for several years. It caused much havoc in Tamara's fleshly family. I did not have too much responsibility in the fleshly family. I did not know how to take care of three boys and Charles did not help in fact he was very hard on all of them and Tammy would stand in-between them to protect them.
I have learned to be more loving, but it has been very difficult in many ways. I hate the idea of feeling that I need to use alcohol to have any relief or some type of normalcy in the life that Tamara lived in the last four years of being married to Charles. We did very well in not drinking even though there was so many issues going on and I believe this is because I had the sense to go to AA meetings. Both myself and Dorothy started to love ourselves and then we could see that we did not have to drink to be okay.
My senses are awakened when I am by the ocean.