Well as I have spoken before in my blog I came under the control of alcohol and it slowly started controlling every part of my life. However I was not in the right mind to address the problem. I lived in so much denial for so long. I came to believe it was my husband's fault because he abused me in so many ways.
I must be totally honest I used my husband as an excuse. He never wanted to believe I was an alcoholic because in his mind and in his words, alcoholics are no good SOB. I do not like that word so I abbreviated it. Also he would always tell me that alcoholics had no right to be alive. I went into thirty day treatment in house treatment centers and never did I get any support after I got home.
I cannot blame him because I started drinking when I was twenty one years of age right about the same time I met him. I knew some really traumatic things about this man but he reminded me so much of my father that I knew I would marry him. At that time I did not realize this fact in fact I did not realize until after I left him for the third time and never went back.That was about 28 years later with much therapy. However, I still cannot blame him because I was so sick myself and did not even realize until this time period.
I have to take responsibility for my disease and for my recovery. It is only this way that I can truly come to grips with my childhood and to heal!
I wanted to talk about this simply because I know about doing such a thing. You do not have to be on the go never wanting to settle down and just keep moving from one place to another. You can run from yourself in so many other ways just by standing still.
Some people never stop running within themselves. It is a compulsion they cannot control, because it controls them. I have been there when something outside of myself controlled me and I hated it. I must admit being able to recognize that in myself has been a real plus for me. I can then honestly take stalk with who I am and what I have become in some ways. This is where a major turning point occurs.
We can use our work to keep us running from ourselves. And think of all the addictions one can have in their lives to run symbolically from themselves. Sometimes it is the pain of knowing the truth that makes us run. Facing our demons is the answer.
When I stop and think about life in general I am so amazed because of the great and wonderful variety in us as humans and in everything we see and do. Life is so wonderful and amazing and we are so thankful we can be apart of it aren't we.
They say variety is the spice of life but why does this not seem to be when we look at other people and their color and place of origin. I feel so much sadness when it comes to the fact that there are so many prejudices in this world and we are all God's creation. In all nations the man who fears God and gives him glory will be acceptable to him. That is Almighty God talking to us. We have no right to judge or think that we are better then anyone else because this is not the truth. The Bible says the truth will set you free. Which of course I spoke about today in one of my other pages.
I am so happy I am not one of those who think they are better then others whether it is race or economic status. I taught my sons growing up that they were no better then anyone else and others were not better then them. We are all equal, however this is not the way society is and this is going to change! Better times are at hand!
Have you ever walked in life for a while and everything was great but all of a sudden things changed. Sometimes things were gradual and you are not really sure what the true lesson is about. This is where you should stop and of course you will understand those feelings inside yourself.
I have learned in life to listen to my inner voice because it is usually right on the money and when I do this I am benefited. However, I being imperfect many times do not want to listen to this voice. So as I go along without this I have made mistakes and I pay for them later in life. The great thing about learning a lesson is simply because even though you take one step back in progress and then you go ahead with your next step! You are learning no matter what others say!
From this position you can accomplish anything. Learn from your mistakes!
My senses are awakened when I am by the ocean.