I came from a family of severe dysfunction and the things that happened in that family were atrocities to those it happened to. Each of the daughters in this family used different ways to cope. I had one sister that used higher education to get her out of this family plan without too much damage. One sister became the scapegoat in which she caused much dysfunction herself because that was all she saw in this family of ours. One sister was the family clown who made us laugh and feel far removed from the trauma and abuse in this severely dysfunctional family. Then there was myself, I was the lost child.
I am not that lost child anymore and I have a strong voice. I am telling the world that things can and will get better if you are willing to do your part to heal. No one can do this for you. I know it can be daunting but you can succeed.
I for my part compartmentalized my life as a child because of the great amount of incest. I was sexually abused by my mother, my Grandfather, my sister, my father, my uncle, a cousin, my step father and there was Satanic abuse in which my father was the instigator. I learned how to retreat into my mind and create many alters that helped to survive my childhood into my adulthood with my super abusive husbands. I kept marrying men who reminded me of my father who was a bad abuser because that was all I knew.
It was not until I left my first husband that I started to realize I had created 57 alters to cope with severe and prolonged abuse and trauma that began at age one and went thorough my adult years as a wife to two men. Then my wonderful journey began! I have so much more to tell you about but time is growing short and I must go! Take that first step into freedom!
I have been thinking about the different coping mechanisms I myself used while working on being integrated. I thought it would be a good idea to talk about some. Some of these I learned on my own but others were given to me by my therapist.
When my panic and fear became very high I would sit with myself and deep breathe for several times.I found that at night when I was feeling very troubled I would rock myself to sleep in the bed by rolling back and forth until I fell asleep. This seemed to calm me and the other alters so we could rest.
When I was going through the deepest part of my therapy and all I was doing was deep belly crying. I would wrap my arms around my body as best I could and cry into the deep hug that I gave myself. Many times when I could not calm down I would lie in my bed and read the Psalms in the Bible. Those written words from God helped me so much. As I was praying and crying I could feel my body calm down and relax.
One great comfort tool I also used was given to me by my therapist. She told me to cross my arms and lay them against my chest and then I was to first pat one hand on my chest and then the other hand and to keep repeating this act. It gave my great comfort too. I was also to do imagery work where I would picture a place in my mind that I had been to that was very beautiful and calmed me and my senses. I was to fucus on all the things I saw in the image and I became very calm.
I have one special time of each week when I put down the work and sit thinking within myself. A form of meditation. My process includes being in a quiet place with no one to disturb your thoughts. You hear nothing but the birds in the trees singing. I like to contemplate on what I have done and what I am in the process of doing. I give thanks to my creator for all he provides me with. He gives me new gifts each day and I want to be sure I give thanks for all that. I do not want to walk alone even though I live alone.I can be the child inside that I am when it comes to talking to my creator. He directs my feet and braces up my spirit and strengthens me with his words. He puts people in my life that I can help and they in turn can help in my journey on this beautiful earth.Then I ask myself what I can do to give back in a way that will strengthen and encourage others in their journey. Remember you are worth the time that it takes for yourself! Never forget that!
My senses are awakened when I am by the ocean.