I used to think that life would just go on and on and never change but this was before I became conscious of my other alters. Before that time in 1998 things were just one problem after another and I thought that was just the way life was supposed to be. You can say I had a real eye opening when I began realizing I had created 57 alters to help me cope with severe abuse and trauma that started a the age of one year into adulthood.
This was the first time in my life that all I could focus on was myself. My children were grown and gone and I had not been married for several years. Life circumstances told me I needed extra help because my demons were not gone. I do not believe that it was demons it was just that I had many other things in my history I needed to address. This came to me as a shock but in looking back in my childhood that I remembered everything made so much sense.
I do remember that in childhood my family said that I was a very moody child, looking in retrospect those moods were my different alters. I had married a man that had more history then me and so this was great because now I could focus on him and not have to worry about my history. Now you can see why that marriage did not work. Now you can understand my own denial. I do not blame him for the demise of our marriage because it was both of us together. We lasted 23 years. I am so grateful I am on my own
As soon as I started working with a good therapist about my alters things started to change. The greatest thing at this point in mylife was the fact I finally saw things in a very new way.We will talk again soon.
Before I started working in therapy I did not remember any of my childhood. I did not know why that was. I was told that I had compartmentalized things in my life that were traumatic so I would not have to remember it. So, I step out into my therapy in the way that I know if I do this I will soon remember what my childhood was like. The fact I found to be true is that I did not like what I began to see. My fairy tale life had been exposed as a fraud and how hopeless I felt from this .After many days and many tears my heart told me that if my childhood was not what I thought it was then it was time for me to know.
This became a truly painful but amazing journey.As I work with my therapist I learned new things and started remembering why I blocked out many years of my life. The human spirit is resilient and I am so happy for that. You must remember that with the bad memories come some funny ones also and this made it seem not quite so difficult. Most memories would land me in bed for days. Believe me that is no way to live. Many suicidal thoughts but I really did not want that I was in just so much pain. Then came the day when the pain subsided and I was able to get out of the bed and try to find some semblance of life for me. Life got lighter and brighter and memories not so overwhelming. I remember that time was so wonderful. I was living a new life.
So even though my bad memories come few and far between I have many good memories and am building new memories for myself. I feel secure with myself and hopeful for many bright days to follow with God's help!
My senses are awakened when I am by the ocean.