I came to help Tressie in the dark cold nights. I hear the steps and I feel as if I could run but I cannot. I cannot even talk.I do know no one cares or loves us. I moan while I feel my head going away in the darkness. I will go away for there is no way out. I am floating above and he can't touch me or hurt me. The smells do not go away. My tummy hurts! How long will it be until it is over? I wish I could scream but no one would hear me. I am alone.
This is Tamara and I wanted you to know that I had to go live with my grandparents on my mother's side because my mother got scarlet fever and was sick for a year and I was very small. This is where a great deal of the trauma and abuse got it's greatest start. Tressie and Mona were created to deal with the atrocities that came during the night times. The grandmother knew and tried to placate the pain with baking me apple pie. I knew later on as a grown up that my grandmother's laughter was a sick laughter. It made sense then.
Oh, I keep moving I do not want to do it but I cannot stop trying to hide somewhere that I won't be found. They are haunting me and constantly trying to find me. Sometimes I hide in the cupboards, or closets or under beds. There is no rest for me ever. I would like to rest but the fear keeps pressing to keep moving so they cannot find me ever. I am so tired and I am running out of places to hide. Nothing seems to work no matter how hard I try. Being little is not good because they can get you and do stuff to you that hurts and scares me and others too. How long can I keep doing this? I keep trying to outrun the very sad and lonely feelings with no one to love and protect me. I do not deserve any of this!
I thought as a child that if I hid somewhere they would stop looking for me and so they could not hurt me.That never was the case though.I was there to stay no matter what. Sadness pervaded my little life!
I am butterball. My mouth hurts and the sick smell in my mouth won't go away. I sneak butter and will sit and eat a cube of butter by myself to try to get rid of this smelly sticky taste in my hurting mouth. To me it is very soothing and I continue to do it quite often. That is why I am roly poly! I came on the scene to help during the day time. I want to think it will help but it really does not. I wish I could wipe this out of my brain. I wonder how long this will go on! I do not like being trapped,with no way to move!
This is Tamara and I kept eating butter for quite some time.I always thought that someday I could get this taste out of my mouth. I feel nauseous at this minute just thinking about that.
I feel so guilty because the grandfather gives me lots of candy in the day time. She has come to help the little ones who deal with the night and it's horribleness.I want to be such a good little girl and I know that the candy the grandfather gives me makes me feel somewhat happy inside. I think he does this so I will feel bad about taking the candy. I look at him with his withered hand and arm and I am instantly afraid because he is the form that tortures my other little ones, Mona and Tressie. Why does he do this to us? Sick sick sick is what comes from his actions. There is no way to escape. I pray that God can see and he knows our pain. I do not understand why he cannot help. There must be a reason. I am almost four years of age. Tressie and Mona came when they were two going on three years of age.
This is Tamara and because I could not do anything to stop the torment and trauma I fractured off again to survive. This s simply because I had no one to help or love me. My little alters do not want to accept the fact that the grandparents were their. I am sure you can understand why. Again my brain came to the rescue and saved me in so many ways. I thank my God and father for creating such a wonderful mind in myself. It protected me when no one else wanted to.
My name is Lolly and I do so love the lolly pops my grandfather buys for me. In the light of day I come to keep the bad man away from Mona and Tressie. I want to help in that way but I feel that I am in a conspiracy with the grandfather. I feel guilty for loving the lolly pops but they're so good. How do I get rid of this guilt I feel. No one would believe me. I am lost and never will they find me!
Tressis was two years old; here are her sorrowful sounds and tears. The grandfather put me in the basement when she came to stay with him.
"Oh, it is so very cold and dark. No one can hear me in my moment of excruciating pain. There is this lightness above as I hear footsteps coming down this stairs. The shadow is black and big and so frightening. I cannot see what is going on. There is no place to go.There are no words. I do not know what to do!
This large man is over me and there is this smell that makes me sick inside He is on top of me. I can't breathe! I cannot speak , my mournful cry's go unheard.The smell is so awful how can I survive. I am choking. I must go away."
I am sitting on the stairs watching this big ugly form doing ungodly things to this little child of two. No, it cannot be me! The child is starting to gag! You see he put this long pink thing into this little girl's mouth and now she is gagging because of this slimy stuff rolling down her little throat! From that day forward she cannot talk in words but stutters in her little speech!
You can see from this that she must have split because she could not deal with the truth. That is why she split and was sitting on the stairs watching. This is how she dealt with such horrific trauma and abuse! There is more that comes but she cannot say anything else right now! This is Tamara you can see now that I was so fractured off with my unconsciousness that I had to create someone else to cope.
My name is tressie, I am so very small and so frightened. No one can see what this form is doing to me and I cannot live on my own. My consciousness has to go away and maybe someone has heard my stuttering words. I pray there is someone to help me. I am so little and no one cares for me.water keeps coming down my face and it won't stop. It is so bad it will not stop. Help for I am so frightening and I cannot breathe and these sticky stuff is being pushed down my throat. I cannot survive! Please take me away from this horror! I need help. I must go now!
Here I am I will take your place for I know your sadness and fear it is so very real, who can stand before it.My name is Mona, someone is writing this for me because I cannot talk. The only sounds that come from me is terrible bloodcurdling moans. Poor Tressie, she needs my help to cope with the disgusting torment we have been going through. The grandfather or grandmother don't seem to really care about us at all. No, I do not want to believe this is the grandfather or grandmother. I want to believe they love me but it is not true. How could anyone be so cruel to make us stay in the basement? I know we are just inhuman or they would not treat us this way! Please help us, we are all alone!
Just as a new born child in the winter months is dressed in a long flannel gown that is surely going to keep this precious baby warm. The mother did not view this child as precious. She thought of her as another burden that she could not bare. Her name is Sweet Pea because she was so small and sweet even though others did not think so.
Her tears are all that she can muster because she does not talk at this small age. The mother used her little body to masturbate herself with after she had nursed her at her breast. She cries out with tears that could fill an ocean. Her preciousness is taken away in that one short moment. The smells are so nauseating and if she could run she would but she is her mother's hostage. Agony is what you see in her eyes and how do you fathom this disgusting act performed over and over? Will it ever end? Now I must go away in the night because I cannot hide. Who can save her?
A time of internal uniting of the "little ones"